| Season: | 17 |
| Episode: | 18 |
| Director: | Mike B. Anderson |
| Production: | HABF11 |
| Couch Gag: | Homer solves a jigsaw puzzle of the family, placing Maggie and his heads in the wrong positions and saying "D'oh!", and then immediately fixing the mistake and giggling. |
| Commentary: | Al Jean Jeff Westbrook Matt Selman Tom Gammill Max Pross Mike B. Anderson David Silverman |
| Prev: | Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore |
| Next: | Girls Just Want to Have Sums |
"The Wettest Stories Ever Told" is the eighteenth episode of the seventeenth season of the American animated television series The Simpsons. It originally aired on the Fox network in the United States on April 23, 2006.
When the Simpsons' plans for an outing at the Frying Dutchman turns into a disaster due to an uncooperative octopus, the family tells three nautically themed stories.
In Lisa's story, Bart, Lisa and a widowed Marge board the Mayflower to head for the new world. Homer, fleeing from the police, boards the ship and hides in a barrel. Homer is attracted to Marge. However, Moe is jealous of their friendship. Moe takes Homer down to the storage room to play a drinking game. Homer and the crew get drunk, and Moe claims that Homer is responsible, leading Captain "Flandish" (Flanders) and Reverend Lovejoy to place him in a stock.
A storm approaches, and Flandish is knocked unconscious. Homer volunteers to take his place, and leads them safely out of the storm. Homer and Marge get together, and the members of the Mayflower meet the Wampanoag tribe and join them for the first Thanksgiving feast.
In Bart's story, the Bounty sets sail from England in 1789, commanded by Captain Bligh (Seymour Skinner). During the voyage, Bligh severely mistreats his crew. Willie warns him of a mutiny if he continues, but Bligh ignores him. They arrive in Tahiti, (where Homer and Marge are the rulers of the island) and have a wonderful time.
Bligh continues to abuse the crew, leading First Mate Bart Christian, to mutiny, sending Bligh and Willie off in a lifeboat. Bart, as the new Captain, orders the crews to set sail for Tahiti, but after throwing away the ship's helm, they end up in Antarctica.
Homer tells a parody of the 1972 film The Poseidon Adventure,[1] taking place on the luxury liner S.S. Neptune on New Year's Eve during the 1970s. At midnight, Captain Burns fails to notice a massive freak wave, which hits the bridge, capsizing the ship and killing most of the passengers. Led by Selma, the survivors climb up the decks to the engine room, during which Lenny falls to his death, saying that it is "too confusing" to carry on.
Comic Book Guy swims through a flooded deck to help the others get to the engine room, but he has a heart attack and drowns. The group makes it to the engine room, and are rescued, but Sideshow Mel is killed when he is accidentally set on fire by one of the rescue crew welding a hole in the ship. Once outside the ship, the survivors encounter the skeletons of the Bounty crew, who are still trying to get back to Tahiti.
In its original airing, the episode was watched by 7 million viewers, the lowest ratings of season 17.