| Series: | Bottom |
| Series No: | 3 |
| Episode: | 5 |
| Producer: | Jon Plowman |
| Director: | Bob Spiers |
| Prev: | Dough |
| Next: | Carnival |
"Finger" is the fifth episode of the third series of British television sitcom, Bottom. It was first broadcast on 3 February 1995.
Eddie steals a car belonging to Welsh cricketer 'Cannonball' Taffy O'Jones and in it are the hotel tickets for Cannonball and his new bride. Intent on having a free holiday, Richie and Eddie turn up at the honeymoon hotel, though Eddie is not happy at having to impersonate a woman and share a bed with Richie.
Returning to their flat after a cricket match, Richie is unhappy that Eddie, who was umpiring the match from the bar in the clubhouse and got information from Spudgun (who is the captain of the opposition team), gave him out on what should have been a no-ball: Welsh cricketer "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones had bowled a beamer at Richie's head with a slingshot, causing him to collapse unconscious into his stumps. As they discuss the finer points of cricket, Eddie reveals that the match was a "stag cricket match" for O'Jones, who is getting married that afternoon to a woman from the abattoir who looks like Ted Rogers; the opportunity to knock Richie unconscious was a wedding present from the lads.
Meanwhile, in his capacity as umpire, Eddie has stolen a wide array of hats, jumpers, and trousers from the other players (due to a particularly wild party afterwards), and he find O'Jones' car keys. Richie wants to use them for unambitious pranks, and the two find the car parked outside the church where O'Jones is getting married. Richie attempts to move the car around the corner so O'Jones cannot find it, but his inability to drive means he and Eddie accidentally ram raid the local off-licence (where Eddie takes cans of beer) and speed off into the countryside. Searching the car's glove compartment, Eddie finds the O'Jones' honeymoon reservation at a hotel in "glamorous" Wolverhampton, and the two decide to steal the honeymoon as well.
Richie and Eddie arrive at the hotel, with Eddie dressed up as "Edwina" to fool the hotel staff into thinking they are the newlywed O'Jones. Because the hotel is full, and they cannot get separate rooms, Richie and Eddie violently argue over who gets to sleep in the room's bed. Eddie wins the argument, but Richie gives Eddie one last kick in the "bollocks" and Eddie passes out.
Richie drags the unconscious Eddie to their room, where he insults the bellhop who brought up their luggage and refuses to give him a tip. Richie then tries to seduce a hotel maid who has arrived with the couple's complimentary honeymoon biscuits. Richie tries to talk the maid into getting naked and taking a shower, only to have a revived Eddie punch him. Eddie himself then tries to seduce the maid, who ends up kicking Eddie in the testicles.
Richie and Eddie later head to the hotel's restaurant, only to fall down a flight of stairs on the way to the hotel lobby. Eddie takes every possible opportunity to make a scene and force Richie to behave chivalrously. In the restaurant, Richie manages to clear out the dining room with a horrible Leonard Rossiter impression. Later, Eddie goes to the women's restroom and mistakes the sink for a urinal. He then tries to seduce a female patron in the restroom, telling her that he is a lesbian - only to receive another (off-screen) kick to the testicles. As the two run up a huge drinks bill at dinner, one of the hotel's male waiters takes a fancy to Eddie. For some reason, possibly intoxication, Eddie is keen, and Richie becomes jealous and challenges the waiter to a fistfight. The fight is called off when an enraged Taffy O'Jones tracks the boys down and (from offscreen) throws cricket balls at their faces.
| Cast | Characters | |
|---|---|---|
| Rik Mayall | Richie | |
| Adrian Edmondson | Eddie | |
| Victor Spinetti | Maitre'd | |
| Kevin Allen | Marcel | |
| Caroline Gruber | Maid | |
| Gareth Marks | Receptionist | |
| Rupert Rainsford | Pierre | |
| Sue Scott-Davison | Woman |