| Series: | Blackadder |
| Series No: | 2 |
| Episode: | 6 |
| Director: | Mandie Fletcher |
| Guests: | Hugh Laurie as Prince Ludwig the Indestructible Mark Arden as Torturer Lee Cornes as 1st Guard Max Harvey as 2nd Guard |
| Prev: | Beer |
| Next: | Dish and Dishonesty |
"Chains" is the final episode of the BBC sitcom Blackadder II, the second series of Blackadder, which was set in Elizabethan England from 1558 to 1603.[1] Power-mad and self-professed "master of disguise", Prince Ludwig the Indestructible kidnaps Lord Blackadder and Lord Melchett. They escape his clutches but Prince Ludwig infiltrates the palace during a fancy dress ball. The episode was recorded 14 July 1985.
In the throne room, Blackadder informs Queenie and Nursie of an unspecified incident that saw Blackadder insulting the unidentified individual before he pulled up his tights and jumped out of the privy window. Melchett arrives, telling Queenie that his former tutor's son has been kidnapped and begs for her to pay the hefty ransom. Queenie consults Lord Blackadder on the matter – he tells her to tell Melchett's tutor's son to "get stuffed", stating that "only an idiot" would be so foolish as to be kidnapped. However, literally seconds later, after he has left the room, Blackadder meets two men, one of whom asks him something while another hits Blackadder over the head and knocks him unconscious with Melchett suffering the same fate after he has convinced Queenie to pay the ransom. The two then awaken in a damp cell in a dungeon accompanied by a deranged Spanish torturer. Blackadder does not speak Spanish, so after Melchett has translated that he is to be tortured, Blackadder and the torturer engage in a lengthy game of charades to determine the exact insults, threats, and mode of torture. Prince Ludwig the Indestructible, a German pretender to the throne with poor English skills, intervenes just as the torturer is about to get started on Blackadder, stopping the other man with his whip. When Edmund does not recognise him, Ludwig reveals that he was once disguised as "Big Sally", a waitress at a pub in Dover that Blackadder frequented while meeting a black marketeer named Otto. Blackadder is horrified as he had an affair with Big Sally, unaware that it was Ludwig in disguise. Ludwig and Blackadder also trade insults, Blackadder loses his patience and rants about Ludwig's voices, with Ludwig snapping, telling Edmund to be quiet. After that, Ludwig reveals he has sent Queenie a message and that she has a week to pay up, with Blackadder confidently believing Queenie will do so.
At Ludwig's request, Lord Melchett is dragged in by Ludwig's two guards, screaming. Melchett does not recognise Ludwig, until Ludwig tells him that he once impersonated Flossie, a sheep at a monastery in Cornwall. Melchett is also aghast, having unknowingly had a sexual encounter with the madman, with an amused Ludwig adding in a "Baaa". Ludwig departs the dungeon with his two guards, laughing evilly, as Blackadder and Melchett remain in the dungeon. Percy then reads a message back to Queenie, informing her she only has a week to decide as to who will be freed: Melchett or Blackadder. At Queenie's suggestion, with Baldrick's help, Percy plays a quick singing game to help influence Queenie's decision.
A week later, Ludwig returns with the message from Queenie, which reveals that she has decided to spend the requested ransom money on "a big party" instead. Ludwig reads it out to Blackadder and Melchett, with Blackadder left shocked at her decision. Ludwig agrees to imprison them for life instead of killing them, in exchange for information on how to get into the palace during the costume party, Blackadder and Melchett also agreeing to betray Queenie. Sometime later, Ludwig returns to bid farewell to his prisoners, but his temper emerges when Blackadder points out he was bullied at school, Ludwig even revealing he was given the embarrassing nickname of "Shorty Greasy Spot-Spot". When he leaves, Blackadder and Melchett, working together manage to eventually overpower the two guards who have come to deliver food and escape, returning to England, arriving just in time for the party. Queenie is dressed as her father Henry VIII, while Baldrick is a pencil case. Edmund promptly stabs "Nursie", who is revealed to be Prince Ludwig masquerading as Nursie dressed as a cow, just as the real Nursie arrives. Ludwig reveals he and Queenie have met before, Queenie greeting Ludwig by his nickname, which enrages him. Vowing to return and wreak his revenge, Ludwig flees, heading for the door, cackling manically. Not wanting history to repeat itself, Blackadder throws a dagger at Ludwig, which hits him off-screen, causing him to cry out in pain. When asked how he knew the cow was Ludwig, Blackadder informs the group Ludwig was a master of disguise so his costume would always look highly impressive while Nursie – a "sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation" – would be wearing a more ridiculous looking costume filled with udders, and that Blackadder knew he had to kill the one who looked like a cow. Everyone then asks if Blackadder missed them. He tells Percy he wished it was him who was being tortured instead with Percy sobbing and embracing Edmund. To Baldrick he says he was not missed at all, and as for the Queen, he states that life without her is like "a broken pencil"; she asks him to explain, and he replies "pointless".
After the credits have rolled, the characters are shown lying dead on the floor, with Ludwig, disguised as Queenie, standing over them holding a blood-soaked dagger in his right hand, implying he used it to kill them. Ludwig then claims that impersonating the queen is a role he will enjoy – if he can "just get the voice right."