| Series: | Blackadder |
| Series No: | 2 |
| Episode: | 5 |
| Director: | Mandie Fletcher |
| Guests: |
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| Prev: | Money |
| Next: | Chains |
"Beer" is the fifth episode of the BBC sitcom Blackadder II,[1] the second series of Blackadder, which was set in Elizabethan England from 1558 to 1603. In the episode, an embarrassing incident with a turnip, an ostrich feather and a fanatically Puritan aunt leads to a right royal to-do in the Blackadder household. The episode marks Miriam Margolyes's second and Hugh Laurie's first ever Blackadder appearance with Laurie going on to appear in every subsequent episode of the show.
Blackadder is having breakfast with Lord Percy when he receives a letter informing him that his fanatically Puritan but extremely wealthy aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, will be visiting him to discuss the terms of his inheritance over dinner that evening, Percy also revealing they are "frightful bores". A few moments later, Baldrick informs Blackadder that there was a messenger at the door who told him Queen Elizabeth demands his presence at court as his rival, Lord Melchett, is very sick.
Blackadder rushes to Richmond Palace to discover the Queen and Nursie tending to an ailing Melchett, whom the Queen believes to be dying. However, it is quickly revealed that Melchett is simply suffering from a dire hangover, having been out drinking the night before. Blackadder mocks Melchett for his lack of alcoholic tolerance, while Melchett reminds Edmund of his own drunkenness during the visit of the King of Austria where Blackadder wandered naked around the grounds of Hampton Court singing "I'm Merlin, the Happy Pig", an incident Melchett recalls caused shame and embarrassment to everyone. Blackadder challenges his rival to a drinking bout, with 10,000 florins at stake. After Blackadder leaves, Queenie tells Nursie she conspires to somehow gain entry to the party.
Upon arriving back home, Blackadder begins to draft a guest list for the drinking party, with Percy's assistance. Percy wants to invite his girlfriend, Gwendolyn, which Blackadder prevents. He then reveals the guests will include Simon Partridge, a perpetually drunken aristocrat nicknamed "Farters Parters" and "Mr. Ostrich" who, according to Percy, is also a "fearful oik", Sir Geoffrey "Here's to the Health of Cardinal Chunder" Piddle, a deranged civil servant, and Freddie Frobisher, "the flatulent friar of Lindisfarne" which has Percy holding his nose in disgust. Things are further complicated when Percy reminds him that the puritan Whiteadders will also be coming around to dinner that same evening, which has Blackadder dismayed. Blackadder hastily returns to the Queen and asks that the contest be moved to another night; however, she senses that he is trying to back out of his bet (since she also knows about his tendency to sing about the goblin when drunk) and refuses to postpone the contest. Blackadder then reluctantly agrees to hold the contest.
Back at his house, Blackadder decides to hold both events on the same evening but in different rooms of the house. The drinking party consisting of "broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting" is to be held in Baldrick's bedroom, while the Whiteadders are to dine with Percy in Blackadder's dining room. Blackadder is further annoyed when he is informed by Percy and Baldrick that while rooting through the vegetable patch for suitable food, they came across "a turnip shaped exactly like a 'thingie'", Baldrick and Percy are amused at that one much to Blackadder's annoyance. Baldrick then informs Blackadder that firstly his master does not have 10,000 florins to gamble with, questioning the wisdom of his master holding a drinking contest; and thirdly, "everyone knows" once Blackadder has one drop of the ale, he falls flat on his face and starts singing "that song about the goblin". To outlast Melchett at the drinking contest while simultaneously not making a fool out of himself in front of his aunt and uncle, Blackadder conjures up a plan to avoid alcohol without the other drinkers noticing, telling Baldrick to hand him water when he asks for his "incredibly strong ale" at the party.
Seconds later, the Whiteadders arrive, Blackadder greeting them although he gets a slap from Lady Whiteadder who calls him a "wicked child", remarking that everyone hates them and he knows it. The couple are comically revealed to be maniacally devout and denounce most everyday comforts as the work of Satan, including chairs (for being comfortable; at home, Lord Whiteadder sits on a spike, with his wife sitting on him - "Two spikes would be extravagant"), mashed foodstuffs (believing that mashing is not what God intended and was designed to destroy the "sacred shape" of vegetables), the concept of family (due to the requirement of sex) and warmth (since "cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics").
To make matters worse, Lord Nathanial Whiteadder has taken a "vow of silence", leaving Edmund's abusive and volatile aunt to hold the conversation. Whenever Blackadder casually mentions a subject she disapproves of, Lady Whiteadder comically slaps him across the face twice and denounces him as a "Wicked child!", even inflicting this on Percy.
The drinking guests arrive, wearing fake comedy breasts and rubber noses on their foreheads, singing Happy Birthday despite Edmund insisting it is not his birthday, Edmund leading them to the bedroom where they begin drinking. Melchett arrives shortly after, sporting a larger, golden pair of breasts. The intoxicated guests make Blackadder's situation even more difficult by being very rowdy, annoying and destructive, causing him to concoct increasingly ridiculous stories and lies to conceal what is going on from his aunt and uncle. Percy's imbecilic behaviour also greatly irritates Lady Whiteadder and Edmund, who resorts to knocking Percy off his chair, although Lady Whiteadder is pleasantly surprised by the "thingie-shaped" turnip that Baldrick presents to her. The Queen arrives at the party, disguised as Percy's girlfriend Gwendolyn, and Blackadder, not realising who she is, makes the mistake of locking her in the closet.
In the other room, Melchett calls Blackadder out on his efforts to participate in the drinking game. Blackadder then calls for his strong ale, but Baldrick quickly exposes the "ale" as being water, a statement that leaves Melchett and the other competitors at first shocked. Melchett, Partridge and the other men then force Blackadder to drink a very strong ale, with Blackadder reluctantly doing so as the others cheer him on.
Forty-two seconds later, Blackadder re-enters the dining room blind drunk, bearing an ostrich feather up his bottom and wearing a cardinal's hat, drunkenly informing Percy he lost the bet. His aunt recognises that he has been both drinking and gambling, directing her anger at Percy whom she slaps once again. Blackadder, who is sitting on a chair, begins remarking about a song concerning goblins and soon reveals his intention of earning (as he puts it) "a whopping great inheritance" from his aunt and uncle". Once the Whiteadders have left, Blackadder rues what has happened, although Lord Whiteadder briefly returns, saying he enjoyed the evening, particularly the "jester" (Percy) and the turnip.
However, things become rather confusing when both parties accidentally meet in the hallway. Melchett's drinking crew assume the Whiteadders to be strippers, and release the Queen from the cupboard while Blackadder drunkenly believes she is Merlin the Happy Pig. Everyone falls to their knees when she reveals who she really is. Queenie announces she is going to first "have a little drinkie", and then execute everyone, with the whole group looking on nervously as she takes a drink from one of the jugs.
By dawn the following morning, everyone is hungover and sitting in Blackadder's dining room, singing along to his rendition of the goblin song. The guests are all confused as to what has happened: Melchett has forgotten about the drinking bet, Queenie has forgotten her threats of execution, Lord Whiteadder seems willing to discuss the inheritance, while Lady Whiteadder emerges from beneath Queenie's frock, and upon hearing Blackadder mention the word "luck", proclaims that it sounds rude, due to its sounding "almost exactly like 'fu–". The credits roll before she finishes.